I like the way different words combine together can give clear picture into your heart.
The thesaurus is an exciting place for me to visit, nerdy I know.
I am feeling equidistant disquietude right now.
Equidistant means equally distant. I am feeling equally distant disquietude.
Another school year has found completion. My kids are with me now. I have to admit that I really love that time, but I also feel fragmented. Though that has been the case this year it protrudes even more during the summer; am I reading books or writing an article? Do I play tennis when they ask or do I revise a chapter of my manuscript? I want to be a good Mom, but I also don’t want to overdo my presence when they are learning independence.
How do you all balance this? The roles we play as wife, Mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, career, servant of Christ?
Sometimes it all feels equally distant to me, like I am doing everything, but only half good. This is where the disquietude and guilt seep into my thoughts.
My senior year in high school, I found disappointment. Around the time we graduated, a close friend told me that I had changed a lot that year. How so, I asked? Worried in my people pleasing ways that somehow it had been a bad change. Just in your disappointment, you have grown deeper.
Yes, my friend was right. Somehow the disquietude had deepened who I was.
Now, when I feel that disquietude and equidistant feeling I remember the word deep.
I remember deep in the context of digging deep. I need to go someplace deep inside me that is hard to access sometimes.
That place where you put others before yourself again and again, in faith that God sees. Not to be re-payed, but to remain faithful. A place that no matter how fragmented you feel in your roles, one thing remains the strongest your faithfulness to those who love you and your love for God. This place where you kneel. This place is the most important place to be.
Do you know that place that is hard to get to sometimes? How do you get there? How do you balance on the tightrope of life?