Out in the Open Air

typerwriter

Since December I have experienced four large rejections.

A goodbye to the work I have known for three years.

And silence.

 

I have moved from despair, sadness, feeling like an utter failure, to peace around and around again. This is what I have been learning:

  1. The stories we tell ourselves are not always true. It’s easy to go with the failure route… but deep down I know failure is not the story of any one of us, including myself.
  2. “I’m not getting what I want.” I told some friends. Afterwards, I thought about that. I’m like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Maybe, this time it’s not what I want, but what God wants.
  3. Waiting is hard. Be kind to yourself.
  4. Sometimes, we don’t know. We just simply don’t know. I have no idea what my life will look like this fall. The answer to that may be a beautiful beginning or it might be a hard space. Either way, I have learn for it to be well with my soul.
  5. Even though you know God cares for you and has a plan, it sometimes feels lonely and desolate, and that is all right.
  6. Trust your heart. I guess I never had a huge sense of clarity or ambition about my career. I just want to love people. Too simple, probably. But me… always.
  7. I’m a control freak all over my own life. This desert period… not even an option. I couldn’t control this train if I wanted to. I’m pretty sure when I meet Jesus he’s going tell me that I sucked at this part… trusting him to know what’s best for my life.
  8. I have had to admit that I’m thirty-seven and I have absolutely no clue right now. I have re-occurring dreams of packing, not being quite ready, and being in two spaces sometimes three. It has to be alright to say I don’t know. If you ask what I’m doing next, what God is doing in my life, where I am heading, I will say, “I don’t know, and not only do I not know, I haven’t the faintest clue.” It makes people uncomfortable, but maybe we need to become more comfortable with not always having an answer.

and I came across this line from Dr. Seuss

It’s opener, out there, in the wide, open air.

9. We don’t always get what we want. We don’t always get the easy path, the quick answers, the beautifully packaged clarity. And somehow we learn for that to be okay.

Out in the open air… it’s wide and expansive and scary. But, in that openness we learn to breath in God.

And somehow it is beautiful.